Contentment is that allusive thing that we all say we want in our lives but refuse to do what it takes to achieve it. This weekend we talked about contentment and the important role it plays in our lives. When it comes to our marriages, contentment is something we need to cultivate but to do that, we need to understand what contentment is. Contentment is being at peace in my circumstances because I trust God for much more in my life. For most of us we see contentment as settling. When it comes to marriage there are plenty of people settling today or trying to get what they want despite their circumstances. Too many focus on what they want from the other person and feel that they can never experience contentment until those wants are satisfied. So we grow discontented when things do not go according to our plan. We then blame our spouse for intentionally frustrating our plans for happiness and the downward spiral of arguments, accusations, and passive ways of relating to get at least a fraction of what we think we want gets set in motion and leads to more and more discontent.
The true path to contentment is not in getting what we want or reaching some mythical place in life where everything is going according to our plans so we can relax and experience contentment. Instead, true contentment in marriage comes when we make some key decisions as it relates to our marriages:
First, stop comparing or wondering what if...
The more we compare our spouse to others or wonder what life would be like if our spouse was different or we married someone else, the more discontent we will be. The comparing game is based on a false reality that is only in our imagination and exists to bring a sense of lack in your life. This is how advertisers work to get your hard earned dollars. They make you feel like you are not happy right now because you lack the product they are trying to sell. Don't sell your marriage short. Focus on what is great about it and what you are thankful for and see what they does for your attitude.
Second, determine what you are chasing to find happiness and if it causes distance in your marriage stop pursing it...
Every married person I have met wants to be happy in their marriage and that happiness is not a bad thing. It is a healthy thing to want to have a happy marriage. The problem comes in when people choose to pursue perfection assuming that is what happiness is all about. The perfection they pursue is usually directed at their spouse which creates impossible standards for anyone to live up to. That standard of perfection is as unique as the person who sets the standard and can become a moving target depending on how that person feels. Perfection is not a reality in marriage. In fact perfection is a myth this side of heaven. Instead of pursing perfection or getting what you want out of your spouse, choose to pursue being the spouse God wants you to be. What are you pursing in your marriage that is causing discontent?
Finally, rely on the strength of Christ...
We usually try everything we can think of and save God as a last resort. So our whole lives end up being a big source of discontent because we are looking for life in all the wrong places. When Jesus said he came to give us life in all its fullness, he meant it. We just have to decide that his view of where true life is found is the best, even better than our view of how life should go. When we embrace that and trust him, knowing he is walking with us in the process, we begin to see our marriages in a different light. We realize that our marriages are not designed to make us happy but to make us holy, that there is no greater relationship to help us see our imperfections and character issues, that provides the support and stability necessary to help us to grow our character to be more and more Christlike than our marriages. When we grasp that, not only does contentment increase, but our love and appreciation for our spouse does as well. What is your view on marriage? What place does Christ play in it?
